1. I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.
2. I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman “That’s a big rock!”.
“Boulder”, he replied.
So I puffed out my chest and shouted “Look at that enormous rock over there!”
3. Two antennae were on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The service wasn’t great, but the reception was excellent.
4. No matter how much you push a piece of paper, it’s always stationary
5. My friends say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to them.
6. How does Moses make his tea? He brews it.
7. I had meant to take some cool pictures of the fog this morning, but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow.
8. In Rome we have gods for everything. The only thing we don’t have a god for is pre-mature ejaculation, but I hear that’s coming quickly.
9. A pun is like a steak, it’s a rare medium well done.
10. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
11. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
12. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says: “Make me one with everything”
13. A good pun is its own reword.
14. Did you hear about the midget fortune-teller that escaped from prison? The police are looking for a small medium at large…
15. In war it does not matter who is right, only who is left.
16. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says, “What’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate says, “Arrr. It’s driving me nuts.”
17. Best time to go to the dentist? Two-thirty.
18. There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack of concentration
19. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
20. Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish looks to the other fish and says “you man the guns – I’ll drive.”