Twenty Puns to Start Your Morning Off Right


1. I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii.

2. I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman “That’s a big rock!”.

“Boulder”, he replied.

So I puffed out my chest and shouted “Look at that enormous rock over there!

3. Two antennae were on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The service wasn’t great, but the reception was excellent.

4. No matter how much you push a piece of paper, it’s always stationary

5. My friends say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to them.

6. How does Moses make his tea? He brews it.

7. I had meant to take some cool pictures of the fog this morning, but I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow.

8. In Rome we have gods for everything. The only thing we don’t have a god for is pre-mature ejaculation, but I hear that’s coming quickly.

9. A pun is like a steak, it’s a rare medium well done.

10. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

11. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

12. A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says: “Make me one with everything”

13. A good pun is its own reword.

14. Did you hear about the midget fortune-teller that escaped from prison? The police are looking for a small medium at large…

15. In war it does not matter who is right, only who is left.

16. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says, “What’s with the steering wheel?” The pirate says, “Arrr. It’s driving me nuts.”

17. Best time to go to the dentist? Two-thirty.

18. There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack of concentration

19. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

20. Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish looks to the other fish and says “you man the guns – I’ll drive.”




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