Guaranteed To Get A Few Groans!



1. A man & woman get pregnant with twins. They decide to put them up for adoption. They are split up – one twin goes to live in India and the family names him Amal, the other goes to a family in Mexico and they name him Juan.

Years later, they decide to track down their kids. They start with Juan. They track him down, invite him into town and have a great time. At the end of the trip, as they are leaving the airport after dropping him off, the wife says, “I want to track down Amal now.”

The husband responds, “There’s no reason to do that. They’re twins. If you’ve seen Jaun, you’ve seen Amal.”

2. Sammy the Snail was always made fun of by the other animals for being so slow. One day he was sick of this, so he decided to go to the car dealership to buy a sports car. The dealer showed Sammy a brand new Corvette … top of the line. He was ensured that this was the fastest car that they had. Sammy bought the Corvette, but wanted to customize it before driving it around. He brought it to the paint shop and had it painted bright red with a big yellow “S” on each door. Sammy figured that with the “S” on the car, everyone would now know that he’s the fastest animal around.

When Sammy’s car was out of the paint shop, he hopped into it and started to fly up and down the streets where his friends lived.

Sammy’s friends all looked at each other in awe of this new car and said… “Wow! Did you see that S car go?”

3. So God creates Adam, but sees that Adam is lonely in the garden by himself.

God : “Adam, I’m going to create a woman for you.”
Adam : “What’s a woman?”
God : “Oh they’re wonderful. She’ll be beautiful, intelligent, funny, cook for you, clean for you and have sex whenever you want.”
Adam : “That’s amazing!”
God : “It’s going to cost you though.”
Adam : “What’s it going to cost me?”
God : “An arm and a leg.”
Adam : “Huh… what can I get for a rib?”

4. A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his name plate that the teller’s name is Paddy Whack. So he says, “Mr. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday.”

Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager.

Paddy explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Paddy explains that he’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral.” He holds up the tiny pink elephant “I mean, what the fuck is this?”

The bank manager replies, “It’s a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

5. A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “Can I get a …… Martini?

The bartender replies: “Why the big paws?




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